Mothers Day...

My Mom

I love this picture because we had been out all day doing "stuff", she had a thing for Wendy's Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers and you can see the Wendy's cup on the table (now I know where I got it), and she was still feeling good. I love that we look so happy. I just love that we had that time together and that we were such great friends! This picture always makes me smile!

I started this post the other day and I'm finally getting back to it, if you call the title "starting it". I had a very different Mother's Day this year.....I'm usually fine with the actual day because I'm a mom and my kids and Cody always do such fun and cute things for me...I love it! I also think it's wonderful to remember all of the "moms" I have in my life who watch out for me and take care of me and who I love. I have several people who, after my mom passed away, stepped in and really helped me by being there, understanding when I had hard times and giving me advice. There are those people who just feel and act like a mom and I've appreciated all of these people since my mom has been gone. I usually have my moment when I get a little emotional or cry during the cute mother's day songs in sacrament, but this year, I don't know what happened, but I had a meltdown. Now I don't mind having a meltdown now and then, I think it's healthy because it really lets me get everything out and then I'm good for another couple of months, but I like to have them at home, in my bedroom and I can just cry it out and have my ugly splotchy face all to myself. I lost it at church last Sunday and I was so embarrassed and the worst part was that I couldn't stop. Any time anyone looked at me, I lost it all over again. It started during sacrament and pretty much lasted the whole morning. I got it together a little bit before Relief Society, but anyone who looked at me, knew something was going on because of that lovely splotchy, red face that I mentioned earlier. I think it was just a meltdown that was already in the works because of everything that's been going on the last couple of months, but Mother's Day was the trigger.

It hasn't gotten any easier that she's gone, but I've had to learn to live with it. Even living with it and dealing with it, I still have those days when I can't stand it that she's gone and I miss her so much it hurts. I think stressful things are particularly hard because I would love to just sit and talk to her and tell her everything that's going on and listen to her advice and how I could make it better. She was such a "doer" and I know she would be here as often as she could and I know she would be on the phone making sure I was okay. I guess I just really miss that and some days "dealing" with the situation doesn't make that any better. Sunday was just one of those days and even though I'm a mom and have 4 adorable kids who I love and wrote me the sweetest cards and brought me breakfast in bed, I lost it! Sacrament meeting was especially hard because there was a sweet story from Brother Kitchens who lost his mom to cancer which almost mirrored an experience with my mom. I had an incredible mom and I love to remember all of those things that I loved about her and I always try to do that in a much quieter way than bawling through church.

I love that she was one of those people who would do anything for anyone. I grew up watching her serve, especially through music and that is one very special gift that I wish I had more of. She did everything for her family....I have so many fun memories of our family vacations and outings and although we really wanted to stay home sometimes (especially in high school :)) I have those memories to look back on and laugh at. We always did everything together and I love that I want the same thing for my family. I love that she made us sing at the nursing home and made me play the piano at the county talent show. I love that she pushed me to be better and to get out of my shell. I love that she supported everything that I ever did and I could always count on her sitting in the stands during sports events or even at the games when I was cheering. I love that she let me accept a punishment if I had it coming but she stepped in and stood by me if she felt I was being treated unfairly or wrongly accused. I love that she accepted my apology for being such a "stinker" (my mom actually had another word, but I think I'll keep that to myself) in high school and told me that the way I was then was all that mattered. She said everything was forgotten, although I couldn't understand how it was that easy for her when I had put her through so much. She loved me unconditionally and I'll never forget that. I love that she always wanted the best for me and wouldn't let me settle. I love that she taught me how to love and serve by watching her and by giving me opportunities to do so. I love that she accepted me for all of my faults and loved me anyway. I love that I was able to spend the last 18 months of her life by her side and that I got to spend my summers and weekends driving her around, learning how to pay bills and take care of the house, cooking (though not very well), cleaning, laying by her on her bed and talking about everything and holding her hand when we were having a rough day. I love that she had her sense of humor and tried to make it easier to deal with when things were hard. I love that she assured me that she would be there on the day I got married and I knew she was because I could feel her all day long. Only a mom could do that....I love that! I'm so blessed that I had such a special mom and I wanted to write my feelings because I need to remember why I had such a hard day and how even after 13 years, it still hurts and it's not okay. I wanted to remember her and let my kids know how much she means to me and even though she's not here, I want them to remember her too. I wish I could let them know how wonderful she was and I hate that they won't meet her in this life, but I also love the fact that I'm sure she held them and took care of them before they came to me. Mother's Day is a special day for me and although I didn't make it through like I usually do, I still am so grateful that I have a day to remember and honor my sweet mom. I love her and miss her every day but I'm so blessed that I had someone like her who showed me what being a mom was all about! I hope I can make her proud of me and I hope she looks down on us and smiles!